Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
