just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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