We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
