I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
