I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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