did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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