He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
