I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
