the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
