please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
