u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
