best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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