If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
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There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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