I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
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just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
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i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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