You really coming over, don't trick.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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