meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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