6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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