he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
