he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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