Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
