have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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