His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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