I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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