I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
