I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
