Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
