he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
