I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
