Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
