apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
