im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
