We won't sleep together?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
