I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
