I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
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If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
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all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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