I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
