i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
