I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
