Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today