OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course