After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
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Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
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Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me