Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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