I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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