DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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