I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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