and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
there is glitter all over my balls
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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