ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
