I am midnight drunk by noon
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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