What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
