I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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