It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
