when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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