if i can run in heels then i can drive
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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