After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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