Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
