And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
