Your tits are I can't wait for
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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