Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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