Your face is a jimmy john
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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